How to help when somebody has a problem

By ChulucanasGym

The existent public pressure over a bodybuilder or an athlete in general could be as high as this person had built a brand, and that brand means achievement, knowledge, or popularity. But the problem comes in when the carácter over that pressure is applied is not ever consonant to the person playing that role, and when it happens, the reaction could be self-destructive.

When that comes to happen, the reaction of the public uses to be mixed according to the degree of sympathy or antipathy to the character, which has to born, grow, and keep many times  in a vertiginous way, responsing much to the market commandments in spite of the own processes of personal building. And the justification of many athletes is that, before everything, they have to response to a sponsor, if they have one, or adapting to the conditions a potential sponsor imposes them, if they find one. And if the person has not been prepared mentally for understanding those exigences and knowing until what point he can put a limit, the frustration, the sadness, the anxiety can manifest anywhere until blasting in different grades.

Many sports careers got frustrated when that no-return point has manifested suddenly or become public, and if the self-destructive trend was already manifested on the top of the wave, it can be stressed once it breaks and the vicious circle ends to sink who be inside it again and again.

That’s how much important the psychological assistance is key in the work and life of any athlete. However, many sponsorship programmes don’t include it and many trainers or people recognized as mentors don’t have all the tools for serving as an emotional support because they think it is not a part of the work, because they think it corrects alone, or because they are also into that self-destructive trend. And what is worst, the own bodybuilders and athletes prescind of this kind of service alleging they are not mad nor freak.

Then, the key here is breaking up that vicious circle and the work is not only bodybuilder’s or athlete’s. It also has to be his possé, particularily other bodybuilders or athletes having some clarity for detecting when someone as them begins to bring down, and could be gathering energy that can blast in the less expected moment. As this problem uses to be more common than many people think, although they don’t speak about it, we go to draw here a possibly useful protocol for you.

If somebody claims for help is because somebody needs help

A basic rule consists in differentiate between the person who needs help and the person who looks ffor help. The first one shows evident signs that his things are going wrong but prefers to keep them inside or prefers to ignore them. The second one learns that something goes wrong, like a lost ship, and he ever will be seeing who can help him from the shore for correcting the course. Get focused in this second group of people because they are who really would get out the hole.

Then, if you see that somebody seems to be in trouble, keep expectant and try that he has it in clear. A friendly “you ever stand by me” said privately will be enough at all for that person in trouble to be aware of, when he decides to step ahead, he really will have whom ststands by. Of course, don’t make them empty or diplomatic words but a real promise.

So, what to do if the person needs help and doesn’t look for it. Unless you think you are enough able to asume a whole adbisory and companion process, the best is waiting for him to change his attitude. If you still think you have to pitch him a “you ever stand by me”, do it, but don’t feel frustrated if nothing happens after the “thanks”.

If you are in trouble, look for someone who is going to say you the clear things to get it out, not who is going to say you what you want to hear and cheating you that nothing is happening.

Detect the phrases, anticipate the main topics

Very few people uses to ask for help with the “This happens to me, I need some advice” formula. Generally, the person uses to project the problem and uses a formula like “What do you do if this could happen to you.”Surely if the person uses the first formula, means his decision to face and solve his problem is strong… although this is very relative.

Whatever the formula is, the first you must do before replying is to verify if the space is right and the time is enough (see the next step). If the answer is affirmative, try to answer sincerely and briefly. Remember that, at the moment, who has the problem is the another person. Although that doesn’t remove you ccan be passing through the same too, or another different situation, it could be right you learn to respect each individual case.

If the space and the time are not adequate, act sensitively. A “It’s a very interesting question and I’d like to answer it, but would you like if we talk about it much calm?” can work, maybe underlined by a gesture meaning “it’s not good to talk here”, a warm hand on the shoulder, and a smile. Yes, all that is a powerful pain relieving.

Another thing you must consider is anticipating to that person is going to tell you. Put in every scenario, imagine the phrases he can release, and prepare answers (look below in those tips). There’s no worst feedback for that person than putting a face of surprise, devastation, or thriller.  You simply will contribute to stress the idea that he has no relief, and that’s not true – not first hand. Surely it works better if you know to keep your mind open. If not, the best will be you say a “I got it – may we talk about it later?”, and solved case.

Unlink the world, relink inside

Once you agree to meet for talking about the problem, you have to consider two things: first, having all the possible time for the person to expand; second, the place where you are going to meet has none distraction. Also, regarding the technologic hegemony, it has to be a space and time you can prescind it at the most.

It’s not a social meeting, it’s a private conversation, so while the less distracting elements you have, you could concentrate more into the issue. Consider it’s about a respectful attitude to that person, himself, and yourself. If you are going to depend on a turned-on cellphone, the best is you take it another time later, because there’s not much baffling than opening the heart and suddenly a call or a message impossible to elude break up the whole thread.

About the time, obviously look for that one when you have nothing to do. The weekends are ideal because they are ever dedicated to rest. About the place, as we said, look for somewhere that avoids the distractions and that favors the comfortability of the another person in all case, not the yours. Although our advice is looking for a place like the countryside or a beach, if the person feels more comfortable indoors, respect his decision.

The first time is for relieving

When somebody has a problem and never has spoken about it to somebody else, experiences something called catharsis or releasing the inner me. The worst you can do is to cut off this process, so let it happens without interruption. Allow that person to take confidence, relieving what he feels, going to build his story or his argument totally free until he takes everything off. That’s why we insisted on the importance to care the space and the time.

If you detect he has difficulty to do that catharsis but he wants to experience it, you could create some kind of a simple task helping to that purpose. If you learned meditation exercises, those use to be pretty good. If you don’t know both techniques, you can write us down at chulucanasgym@gmail.com for bringing you some ideas.

About your body language, what the psychologists recommend is you set comfortabily as close as you trust each one, face-to-face as well as besides. It’s important there is an intimacy environment that favors to relieve. If your degree of trust is high (especially if you’re buddies), a hand on the shoulder or an arm over both shoulders with a quiet face are amazing, so don’t miss to experience the physical contact. But if the person rejects it, don’t insist.

Listen to without judging

We said before that one of the things you must do when somebody asks your for help is to anticipate for knowing how to react. It’s not about filling with prejudges, it’s about making you stronger to provide right the required help. So, when that person begins to relieve and wwhile he does it, don’t disturb him to say if what he did or said was good or bad, just let him to do his process. Once he finishes, you can evaluate caring to be very sensitive and firm at the same time.

We said before you need to have a widest mind for facing what he has to tell you, and in this respect, consider that any controversial issue can appear in the conversation. In our experience, the probable scenarios forming very hard emotional charges for any person are: his family or economic situation, consumption of forbidden or addictive substances, some chronic health condition, stalking or violence, some legal trouble, a repressed sexual orientation, or a few conventional, extra-spor either, job decision.

It could be complicated here to say you how to react before each scenario because the problems are different from person to person. However, we insist that your serenity, your strength, your affection, and your common sense (especially) are going to be much helpful.

Advise honestly, learn to set limits

One of the most valuable things  when you expose your point of view is saying what you think honestly, not what the another person would expect to listen, if not why did he look for you? However, even when the another person has the whole intention to solve the problem, it’s probable he sets some resistance in the beginning. If that happens, don’t work on him to change his mind because it will be worst. Just expose your point of view, let him that after the conversation, to meditate himself and to take the most adequate action course.

Once both of you have nothing more to talk, close the moment naturally, friendly, happy, that the whole moment you stood feels like something releasing, not like something uploading more for you or for that person because it’s not about it.

If both of you think a session won’t be enough, arrange a new meeting for talking and hearing as the role is, but indeed, warn him of your available time for a sense of respect also exists from his own process. Remember him you will agree to listen to him, thank him for trusting in you, encourage him for stepping to solve what concerns him. This has to be clear everyway. The same thing about the personal spaces - You can’t invade  them when any of both wants so!

Don’t let for any reason that your participation turns into a dependence of any kind. That would be harming for real. One thing is the humankind and the sense of solidarity, but one another is taking advantage for submitting body and soul. Don’t allow that, and wwhen you feel that is happening, stop it and take the best decision for both, including to get out apart.

Your help doesn’t replace the professional help

As we said in the beginning, many bodybuilders and athletes prescind a professional assistance from a psychologist or a psychiatrist, just in case. But they are also clear that in many times of their life they require to have their mind healthy (as much as or more than their body). It’s that time when your help as an emotional support works right. However, one thing you must have very clear is you don’t replace the work of a psychologist or a psychiatrist, unless you are, what means a double advantage for who asks your for help. But if you are not both proffesionists, your work consists in complementing and supporting the therapies or the treatments when they are ordered.

In that sense, your responsibility as an emotional support is including into your advisory package  that the person asking you for help to attend one of those health specialists. Inclusive you could go with him the day of the consult.

So, no all the cases have to end before a psychologist or a psychiatrist, but those ones what your resources as a support and the resources of that person for healing himself are limited, when you sincerely see there is a barrier  that the simple advice is not going to overcome. That’s when one has to be brave and accepting the professional assistance.

If in your community there’s no sports psychologist, look if there are clinic psychologists or psychiatric doctors. It’s good to have their phone numbers so easy and ask for references to serious persons for the sessions to be really healing, because –it’s good to say- many mental health specialists use to be badly mad than an average guy.

Educate about, accumulate wisdom

Do you remember when we talked about anticipating to the conversation? It’s probable this step you make base don the information you already know, but how much accurate is that information? If you are who loves to read everything and to have a general culture above the average, it’s probable you get more criteria width to understand what the person asking you for help is going to say you. That affords much.

However, no matter how much you anticipate, there will be issues out of your range. It’s not your fault because we can’t know or guess all. When that happens, help inside your skills, but get committed to search and learn about the issue on reliable sources that you can find now even on the Internet. If you get that researching and educating process to be made with the person asking you for help, the better. It’s probable that both realize that the solution was much more simple to find.

Anyway, have a time and a space to continue learning about the issue that involves the person asking you for help. If possible, ask serious specialists, try to educate around you, especially your training place – you know very well it’s one of the places where the prejudges are abundant, and many times the ignorance kills more than the own problem. Even it can save your own life.

Remember you’ll help to solve a problem, not that you are going to solve the problem on behalf of the another person

As we said before, a fatal mistake when an emotional support is provided is letting the person who asks you for help to leave the whole problem up for you to solve him, or generating dependence ties through that person is not going to move a finger unless you request it. Both scenarios are not adequate nor healthy, so you have to avoid them from the beginning of the process.

A “Look – I’m going to help you as much as I can, but who is going to solve the problem is you” said friendly, firmly since the first moment is a good beginning. Never let to include this disclaimer. In the same way, when you feel that person pitches you a “Do it on behalf of me” or similar formulas, you answer with the same attitude something like “That wwas not we agreed” or “It’s like you would be Mr. Universe but I work out instead of you.”

Ever encourage the person that although you can give some tips or ideas to find a solution for the problem, its that person who has the exclusive responsibility to solve it. Don’t give up to the emotional blackmail  of “If you were my friend” or “But you said me.” Remember him and remember that every guy has freedom to take own decisions, so the success or the defeat are on their hand, not your hands, nor nobody’s hands.

What he says you is a secret

One of the requirements of any emotional support is the confidentiality. Everything talked, the way how reacted, the content of the conversation is something that must keep only between you. Nobody else has the right to know it, and it’s the person asking for help who has to decide who and how shares it to what is happening him anyway.

Even if the contact is made by social media (what is a valid possibility), never go to use the virtual public spaces for making contact or advising. Instead, use the chat, that offers some privacy, although as much as you can, the better is the face-to-face contact.

If you have to congratulate the person for advancing on the process or closing it, try to be in private. If the person, despite your caution, wants his problem to become public, is his right. Decide too if you want to get out to the open as the person who helpsbut make it whenever the another person request it to you. Never take the initiative to highlight yourself because you’ll bring down all the healing process and it will be seen as a very disgusting action.

As everytime, any doubt you have, wwrite us down at chulucanasgym@gmail.com or follow us on our Twitter account.

The ChulucanasGym founder team appears on this entry.